I Have the Remedy for the Blues....

Have you ever had a day when you feel like you just lost your best friend? For whatever reason, today was one of those days for me. I'll snap out of it, but not without a little help. Maybe I'm just on overdrive. Maybe I'm thinking a little too much about Kelly. I'm just sad today.

When I'm feeling a little blue...or a lot blue....I rely on my guys. They understand without asking questions. They offer unconditonal love and let me cry all I want. I can hold Maddie and stroke her soft fur until my mind wanders off into a happier place. I can blow my nose as loud as I want and she doesn't move an inch.

I can play with Annabelle until she gets tired of playing with me. Then she can jump up on my lap and squirm, turn in circles, and eventually make me smile.

I can go ride Tango until I'm so distracted that I can't think of anything else but what I'm doing. After I'm done riding Tango, I can hose him off, dry him, feed him peppermints and offer pony (pony ha!) rides to anyone who wants them. A wonderful little guy named, Kyle, rode Tango today. So did his sister, cousin, mother and uncle. It was terrific.

And if I'm still feeling blue, I can wander around the farm and visit with the other horses. Candy Cane is the little miniature horse in the photo above. How could anyone feel sad when they're visiting Candy Cane? The little red cart belongs to Candy Cane. She's really something.

If I'm still feeling blue tomorrow, I'll treat myself with more of my own medicine. I'll get a really good dose of my animals morning, noon, and night. Can you think of a better treatment?

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My Heart Hurts - Kelly Is Gone

Frankly, I thought I was ready. I thought I'd be prepared for the day Kelly died. I was wrong...totally and completely. Nothing could have made me ready for the day my scrappy boy stopped bouncing forever.

I woke up on Sunday morning at 7:00. Kelly was thrashing about on top of my legs. It didn't take long before I realized he was having a seizure. I'm not sure how, but somehow, Kelly ended up on the floor with me beside him.

He was breathing heavily, but not uncomfortably or out of control. "I can do this," I told my husband. "If this is all it is and Kelly is going to die, then I can let him die here."

I began to pet Kelly. I put my face tear-stained face beside his and kissed the top of his scruffy little head. "I'm here Kelly," I said. I knew Kelly couldn't hear me because he was totally deaf, but I needed to say the words. I needed to comfort myself as much as him.

My husband stayed with me and my lifelong friend, Joani came over. We all kept vigil by Kelly's side. At one point I stood up to get dressed. The minute I moved, Kelly tried to stand. He couldn't. His back legs were no longer working but he didn't want me out of his sight.

"Just pet him like I do, " I told my husband. At that moment, I was in control. I wanted to get back beside Kelly as quickly as I could. Chuck kneaded Kelly's shoulder while I threw on my clothes.

That was when Kelly began to throw up bile. I propped him up against me so that he wouldn't choke. And I cried. Kelly got worse and worse.

At 10:00 A. M. it was clear Kelly was suffering. I had made a promise to myself and to Kelly that I would be brave enough to let him go. I loved him that much.

Joani called the emergency vet's office and made sure I could stay with Kelly while he was euthanized. Then I swaddled my boy in a blanket and we left.

When we got to the vet's office, they took Kelly long enough to put a catheter in his leg. I suppose that's so there are not mistakes once the drug begins to be administered. The vet tech carried Kelly back to me. I held him in my arms and pressed his little body next to mine.

Chuck, Kelly, and I were on a couch. Joani was on a chair just across from us. She had a clear view of Kelly's face. "I think he's asleep," she said.

Kelly was indeed asleep. The comfort of being with me had calmed him again. "When the vet comes in," I told Joan, "Tell her to do what she needs to do and not say a word. I don't want Kelly upset again."

The vet came in. Joan gave her my instructions. Even though I was sobbing, I felt joy. Kelly died peacefully and calmly. I kissed his still warm head one more time. So did Joani. His death was as beautiful as his life. I am writing through my tears, but writing is therapeutic to me.

Kelly is gone. My heart hurts but Kelly's legacy will live on through all the other animals I love.

Just so I don't end on such a sad note, I want you to read an email I got from another dear friend today. The memory she shared made me laugh because it was so Kelly.

This is from Cheryl:

Hi Jan,
I was so very sorry to hear about Kelly. Hope you got the voice mail I left yesterday--I know Joan says you don't always get your messages. He was a great dog--your little bouncing Kelly. I will smile every time I think of him and the time we got kicked out of the vet's office! Take care and call me if there is anything I can do.

Love you--Cheryl


Yes, Kelly got us banned from my old vet's office one day. He just wouldn't quit bouncing or barking. That was my Kelly.

Annabelle is fine. Maddie is still looking for Kelly. I know we'll all be better soon. Kelly's memories will live on in our hearts and minds. Thank you for letting me share.



Jan

*picture taken Christmas of 2004

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Up and Down Kind of Week

My scrappy little Kelly is not doing so well. On Wednesday, he was lethargic, barely moving. My sad boy laid across my lap most of the day. The girls, Maddie and Annabelle, seemed to know something was wrong. They didn't even attempt to join us. In fact, they both were on the floor at my feet. It was a gloomy day.

I finally called the vet in the afternoon and said, "Kelly's not bouncing anymore. He's not eating either." The not bouncing part broke my heart. Kelly's a bouncing dog. He's never been a walker...not even a runner. Kelly's a bouncer.

The vet suggested I stop all Kelly's meds for 24 hours and see what came next. She also told me to enjoy him for the night and feed him anything he wanted...anything at all.

I tried cooked chicken. I tried cheese. I tried beef gravy on his dog food. Kelly wanted none of those things. Finally, late at night, I was munching on a Saltine cracker. That appealed to Kelly. He rallied on Saltines and no medications.

Yesterday was a better day. Kelly had some pep to his step and managed to mark spots in the backyard. Today wasn't so bad either. I took Kelly to the vet for some reassurance and advice and came home feeling better (even though Kelly's condition hasn't changed).

I know that Kelly's life is drawing to a close and I know that I'll never be ready for that. I also know that Kelly's gums are pink, (indicating he's getting enough oxygen) and his heart beat is strong and not muffled by the tumors we expect are somewhere near.

Thankfully, the growth on his neck hasn't changed much. The vet helped me by offering some solid advice other than "You'll know when it's time..." She said, "When Kelly is truly lethargic and hasn't eaten for 48 hours, it might be time. It will also be time when his tumor has grown enough to interfere with his breathing." Intellectually I already knew that. It was good to hear though. Somehow, part of the weight was lifted from my shoulders.

The vet spoke with tears in her eyes as she told me she'd lost her two fifteen-year-old dogs this past year. Somehow, having a vet that is caring and kind matters as much as her medical knowledge. She's a good vet. The kind I want to be with Kelly and me when it's time.

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Annabelle - What a difference a year makes...

Annabelle came to us a year ago last October. She was our most challenging rescue because the unknown abuse she must have suffered led to incredible fear and distrust...especially of men.

All I know about Annabelle's past is that her previous owner went to prison for twenty-five years (for a child related offense). I called my rescue friend who had placed Annabelle with us and said, "Find out when he's due to get out on parole, because he's never getting this dog back."

Her response was chilling, "He hung himself," she said.

Annabelle is blond. He hair is curly and wiry...much like a terrier. Her body is long and her lets are short...much like a dachshund. Annabelle resembles the dog in the story of the Grinch.

At any rate, I let our other two dogs (Maddie and Kelly) take care of Annabelle when she first arrived. She put herself in the middle of the pack and that's how they roamed the house and the yard. After a week or so, she would let me touch her slowly and gently, but I was the only one.

My advice to my husband and sons was: "Don't look at her. Don't touch her and don't talk to her." With the exception of my middle son, the advice worked and after several months Annabelle warmed up them.

My middle son was another story. He must have somehow reminded Annabelle of her past. When Jeff came over (all my sons are grown and married) Annabelle would charge him. Kelly (who knew and loved everyone) would join her. They would pin Jeff to the back of the basement door and bark ferociously.

Needless to say, this didn't go over well. Thankfully, instead of being furious at the situation, Jeff tried to figure out how to gain Annabelle's trust. First of all, I felt that I knew Annabelle well enough to say, "Quit allowing her to back you in a corner. Hold your head high and walk by her as though she isn't there."

I know it was intimidating to Jeff, but he did just that. Then one day, just as Jeff and my daughter-in-law Eileen were getting ready to leave, Jeff took off his T shirt.

"What are you doing?" I asked as everyone else looked and wondered.

"I'm going to put my shirt on the couch for Annabelle to smell all week," Jeff answered.

Annabelle did indeed smell Jeff's shirt. His scent became familiar to Annabelle. Eventually, she even slept on top of the cotton-soft shirt.

I'm not sure if Jeff's act of kindness was because he really wanted Annabelle to trust him or if it was because he was bound and determined not to be defeted by a dog, but in any case, the left-behind T-shirt worked.

Annabelle quit barking at Jeff. She even began to let him pet her. A year after the fact, Annabelle greets Jeff with a wagging tail. She's still cautious of men, but Annabelle trusts us enough to let her know she's safe.

She's a good girl.

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