My Heart Hurts - Kelly Is Gone

Frankly, I thought I was ready. I thought I'd be prepared for the day Kelly died. I was wrong...totally and completely. Nothing could have made me ready for the day my scrappy boy stopped bouncing forever.

I woke up on Sunday morning at 7:00. Kelly was thrashing about on top of my legs. It didn't take long before I realized he was having a seizure. I'm not sure how, but somehow, Kelly ended up on the floor with me beside him.

He was breathing heavily, but not uncomfortably or out of control. "I can do this," I told my husband. "If this is all it is and Kelly is going to die, then I can let him die here."

I began to pet Kelly. I put my face tear-stained face beside his and kissed the top of his scruffy little head. "I'm here Kelly," I said. I knew Kelly couldn't hear me because he was totally deaf, but I needed to say the words. I needed to comfort myself as much as him.

My husband stayed with me and my lifelong friend, Joani came over. We all kept vigil by Kelly's side. At one point I stood up to get dressed. The minute I moved, Kelly tried to stand. He couldn't. His back legs were no longer working but he didn't want me out of his sight.

"Just pet him like I do, " I told my husband. At that moment, I was in control. I wanted to get back beside Kelly as quickly as I could. Chuck kneaded Kelly's shoulder while I threw on my clothes.

That was when Kelly began to throw up bile. I propped him up against me so that he wouldn't choke. And I cried. Kelly got worse and worse.

At 10:00 A. M. it was clear Kelly was suffering. I had made a promise to myself and to Kelly that I would be brave enough to let him go. I loved him that much.

Joani called the emergency vet's office and made sure I could stay with Kelly while he was euthanized. Then I swaddled my boy in a blanket and we left.

When we got to the vet's office, they took Kelly long enough to put a catheter in his leg. I suppose that's so there are not mistakes once the drug begins to be administered. The vet tech carried Kelly back to me. I held him in my arms and pressed his little body next to mine.

Chuck, Kelly, and I were on a couch. Joani was on a chair just across from us. She had a clear view of Kelly's face. "I think he's asleep," she said.

Kelly was indeed asleep. The comfort of being with me had calmed him again. "When the vet comes in," I told Joan, "Tell her to do what she needs to do and not say a word. I don't want Kelly upset again."

The vet came in. Joan gave her my instructions. Even though I was sobbing, I felt joy. Kelly died peacefully and calmly. I kissed his still warm head one more time. So did Joani. His death was as beautiful as his life. I am writing through my tears, but writing is therapeutic to me.

Kelly is gone. My heart hurts but Kelly's legacy will live on through all the other animals I love.

Just so I don't end on such a sad note, I want you to read an email I got from another dear friend today. The memory she shared made me laugh because it was so Kelly.

This is from Cheryl:

Hi Jan,
I was so very sorry to hear about Kelly. Hope you got the voice mail I left yesterday--I know Joan says you don't always get your messages. He was a great dog--your little bouncing Kelly. I will smile every time I think of him and the time we got kicked out of the vet's office! Take care and call me if there is anything I can do.

Love you--Cheryl


Yes, Kelly got us banned from my old vet's office one day. He just wouldn't quit bouncing or barking. That was my Kelly.

Annabelle is fine. Maddie is still looking for Kelly. I know we'll all be better soon. Kelly's memories will live on in our hearts and minds. Thank you for letting me share.



Jan

*picture taken Christmas of 2004

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Up and Down Kind of Week

My scrappy little Kelly is not doing so well. On Wednesday, he was lethargic, barely moving. My sad boy laid across my lap most of the day. The girls, Maddie and Annabelle, seemed to know something was wrong. They didn't even attempt to join us. In fact, they both were on the floor at my feet. It was a gloomy day.

I finally called the vet in the afternoon and said, "Kelly's not bouncing anymore. He's not eating either." The not bouncing part broke my heart. Kelly's a bouncing dog. He's never been a walker...not even a runner. Kelly's a bouncer.

The vet suggested I stop all Kelly's meds for 24 hours and see what came next. She also told me to enjoy him for the night and feed him anything he wanted...anything at all.

I tried cooked chicken. I tried cheese. I tried beef gravy on his dog food. Kelly wanted none of those things. Finally, late at night, I was munching on a Saltine cracker. That appealed to Kelly. He rallied on Saltines and no medications.

Yesterday was a better day. Kelly had some pep to his step and managed to mark spots in the backyard. Today wasn't so bad either. I took Kelly to the vet for some reassurance and advice and came home feeling better (even though Kelly's condition hasn't changed).

I know that Kelly's life is drawing to a close and I know that I'll never be ready for that. I also know that Kelly's gums are pink, (indicating he's getting enough oxygen) and his heart beat is strong and not muffled by the tumors we expect are somewhere near.

Thankfully, the growth on his neck hasn't changed much. The vet helped me by offering some solid advice other than "You'll know when it's time..." She said, "When Kelly is truly lethargic and hasn't eaten for 48 hours, it might be time. It will also be time when his tumor has grown enough to interfere with his breathing." Intellectually I already knew that. It was good to hear though. Somehow, part of the weight was lifted from my shoulders.

The vet spoke with tears in her eyes as she told me she'd lost her two fifteen-year-old dogs this past year. Somehow, having a vet that is caring and kind matters as much as her medical knowledge. She's a good vet. The kind I want to be with Kelly and me when it's time.

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Drum Roll Please!

I did it. I pulled the wool over Maddie's eyes and I only felt a little bit guilty. Poor Maddie.
You remember my dilemma from yesterday? I needed to take Kelly and Annabelle to the vet but I didn't want poor Maddie to be stressed out and alone at home.

Up until this morning, I still wasn't sure what I was going to do. I even had Maddie's leash and collar by the back door ready to go. And then it happened. Cheerios fell from the top shelf of the pantry and hit the kitchen floor like tiny hail in a spring rainstorm.

Why hadn't I thought of it before? All Maddie needed to be happy and calm was a little food distraction. I used the hailed Cheerios to my advantage. I cleaned up most of them...not all. Call me crazy, but I left some of the Cheerios on the floor (behind the closed pantry door).

When it got close to time to load Kelly and Annabelle into the car to go , I opened the pantry and called Maddie over. She was in Cheerio heaven.

I was quicker than greased lightening. Off to the vet we went...Kelly, Annabelle, and me.

Annabelle got her booster shot. Kelly had more blood work done to check on his liver enzymes. He had his nodules measured. Kelly has lost a pound during the last four weeks, but I'm going to get it back on him. As of now, he's hanging tough. Like I've told you before, Kelly is a scrappy little guy. It's going to take a lot to knock my boy out of this world.

Okay. Before I start to cry just thinking about Kelly's future, let me share a thought that just occurred to me.

I outsmarted Maddie today. I'm not so sure that's worthy of a drum roll. What was I thinking???

Maddie's a sweet girl and she did just fine. I'm still an obsessive compulsive animal lover. Some things never change.

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Two out of three to the vet....

No doubt about it. I'm obsessive compulsive...especially when it comes to my animals. Okay. Here's the deal: Tomorrow I have to take Kelly and Annabelle to the vet. Kelly is going to have his lymph nodes rechecked (yes, I'm pretty sure it's cancer) and Annabelle has to have a booster shot.

The vet's visit is not the issue. What I'm obsessing about is whether or not to take Maddie. "Why?" you ask.

Because if I don't take her with us I rationalize to myself, she be freaking out at home all by her little not-so-bright self.

Having said that, you probably think it's a no brainer. "Take Maddie," you say.

Well, that's easier said than done. The pack mentality takes over when we are in the vet's waiting room IF (and that's a big IF) there's a dog in the immediate vicinity that Kelly decides needs to go home. Once Kelly starts barking, the others join and it's downright embarrassing.

The good thing is that two dogs does not seem to constitute a pack. That bad thing is that three dogs do.

I am not the pack leader at the vet's office. I'm the flustered owner who is tangled up in a web of dog leashes. It's even more difficult now since Kelly is deaf. He used to listen to me. Now he really can't hear...he doesn't even have to pretend to ignore me.

Taking one dog to the vet is easy. Taking two dogs isn't so bad. Going with all three looks like the zookeeper went crazy and all the animals are on the loose.

My rule of thumb in most of life's difficult situations is to try to imagine the worst case scenario. Worst case scenario if I take all three dogs is that my blood pressure will be over the top and I'll be wrestling three little dogs in front of dignified human beings.

Worst case scenario if I leave Maddie home is that she'll be freaking out and unhappy for about an hour.

Since Maddie's not destructive in any way, shape, or form I guess she'll be staying home. Poor little Maddie.

I've made my decision. Now I need to quit obsessing!

No! Wait! I just thought of something else! I could call the vet and schedule individual appointments...that might just solve the problem. It would cost me more time but.....

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